Who Is?

At the end of the day...
Who is?

Moral Fiber

"Moral fiber... So, what is moral fiber? It's funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically being a fucking boy scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber's about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean. You know what? It doesn't matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about."

- Matthew Kidman (Emile Hirsch)



Bear with me.
I'm still walking this incline.

Another Chapter

I think it was all a blessing in disguise.
This chapter in my 'Book of Life'.

It's a bittersweet feeling...

Thanks to the current events, it's brought back feelings I thought I'd hidden away so long ago.
Reminiscing over many past instances of where I have been 'dumbstruck', and of course, my history hasn't changed.
Every chapter has had the same ending.

But it's alright.

As much as I hate it, I would much rather feel this pain.
It makes me who I am.

And I believe a new tale will emerge.
I don't know when or how, but I've been this patient so far.
I'm just waiting to pick up the pen again.

Thank You

I didn't mean to come off sounding like I was being your therapist where my words were misinterpreted and used incorrectly.
I didn't mean to come off making you sound like a weak individual, which I know you aren't.
I didn't mean to push you away so abruptly.

I meant to be there to make you happy, to rid of your sorrows and whatever pain 'he' may have caused you.
I meant to try to bring out the best in you, when the worst brought you down.
I didn't mean for it to end this way.

But I can't do a thing about it.
Your decision was stern.
And I can only accept it whether I like it or not.

So I hope a simple 'thank you' will suffice.

Thank you...



I'd be telling the truth if I said I'm happy for you.
I'd be lying if I said I was fine.

Such A Fool

I always had this gut-wrenching feeling of denial.
I just held onto the thin thread of hope.

I knew it was too good to be true, yet I was completely infatuated.
I let it all happen fully aware of the consequences.
The only thing I was unprepared for, was her answer.

Never in my mind would I ever have thought that about anyone.
Anyone.

This is coming from a guy, who's shot at girls are slim-to-none.
It never goes the way I had imagined it to be.
Ever...

I still can't believe what she said. I still can't, it's unbearable.
How I turned to be the bad guy, I just have to know.
So I'm debating if I should sent her this message or not.
It's the only way to just finish it for me.
We've only talked a few times, but it's strange how someone could make me feel this way.
But all good things must come to an end.
I have to end it, for the best.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I know you said you just want to be friends.
I know you won't believe a thing I say in this message.
But this is the only way I know how to express it.
I hope you give this letter a chance and hear me out.

It's pretty funny how things came to be...

I was initially intimidated by how cute you were, only to be down trodden by the hearing of your past.
I only knew a fraction of it, but it made me want to get to know and help you.
Little did I know I actually had the chance to talk to you.
When you couldn't make it to the party, I was pretty bummed.
But then you asked me if I wanted to get some lunch with you sometime.
If you'd had asked me that in person, I would have been completely silent in shock and awe that it even happened.
Thank God for Facebook lol...

Soon thereafter, we began talking on AIM.
I didn't even think that you'd be interested in someone like me; dorky, immature, not-as-slick-as-you-think-I-am.
I also didn't think you'd accept my morals, ethics and beliefs either. It's strange how I've met someone who actually doesn't judge me based on those ideals...

After that conversation, I've been constantly thinking about you, shying away from long conversations and anticipating eating lunch with you.
When you posted something sad, I wanted to say more, but I didn't want to come off too strong.
So I kept it quick and simple until we ate lunch together.
Patience (as you wished) and hope was all I was latching upon.

Then not too long ago (several hours), you tell me you weren't free.

I was confused.
Did she forget?
Did she have plans?
Were there unforeseen circumstances that contributed to her answer?

Once you told me that you don't like it when guys act as if they could get you easily, I was appalled.
I had no idea what to think at all.
All I could think about was the redundancy of that statement. Never have I ever considered any such thing about anyone.

I had the hardest time just thinking of a decent approach to you. That night I properly introduced myself to you, I was happy.
I came straight from Banana Bay 28 minutes prior to Tastea, then an additional 40 minutes of biting my nerves called 'Courage'.
Stupid, I know, but I would have much better known you than not.

That alone made me think, "Easy? This is ridiculous... I'm so intimidated by her essence and she thinks I think she's easy? I had to let her know."

The rest just laid itself along the lines.
Just me telling you as it is.

So now, I'm in a very awkward position.
I know you say you want to be friends, but I can't just leave it at that.
I'd like to know why you feel the way you do and why you said what you said.

I simply just want closure.
An honest answer.
That is all I'm asking for: for you to leave no loose ends and no stone unturned.
I believe it would manage to put my mind more at ease.
I know you've been busy with work and school, but thanks for taking your time in reading this ********.
Thanks for giving a guy like me a chance and something that was worth believing in."

And that was all I asked for.
A fair chance.

More Food for Thought

After talking to Tiffani Phabsomphou today, it got me thinking.
She fed me some information that completely made sense.
On the dot, a majority of the time.

Young, deep thinker, but feels that the 'options' can lead to something else, which isn't a good thing. And to add, still has a 'pest' on the side still lingering on.

Tiffani says it's a phase 'they' all go through.

The fact that she is young, shows that she still has plenty of time for growth and time to experiment, plus being a deep thinker doesn't automatically set them as mature, more of an image set. Tiffani's had a good idea on 'her' since she's read her blog and described it pretty well point for point.

The options shows that if I am second in terms of the five that she says she's interested in, would then lead to think that one is immovable in terms of relations. The other four on the other hand would become experiments to see how she would develop a feel for them. To summarize: Either be number one, or nothing.

Something happens between them, he wants her back, she doesn't, but the moment he stops wanting her back, she wants him back considering he was her first. I honestly wouldn't doubt that at all, since she is already set on a pedestal.

Rabble, rabble, rabble, I know this doesn't really make sense, it's just a kick of knowledge I received. It just made sense in my head rather than being typed.

Let's hope Monday doesn't turn out the way Tiffani had described. Let's hope not...

And if it does, within the next few days, I'll prepare for the worst.

Thanks again Tiffani.

So Far Gone...

I'm beginning to detest wearing my heart on my sleeves in regards to blogging.
But this is the best way I know to cope. To vent.
This was something blog worthy in my opinion...
It needed a breath of fresh air...
Especially since I haven't felt this way in a very, very long time...

I've finally met someone who has the same (atleast most of it) ideals in many different subjects:
Relationships, ethics, humor, so on.
And to appreciate it.
But it finally hits me...
More than usual...
I don't want to have to admit it, but...

I've become completely vulnerable.

I have thrown myself defenseless ready for a hit, feeling it would be worth the impact.
The impact though, is not physical. It is more mental and emotional.
As much as I try to appreciate it, it always comes undone.
I try to keep it in the 'lesson learned' category, and that 'patience will have it's way' soon enough.
But I'm tired of waiting.
My patience has been running dry nigh too long.
I'm tired of the endless need for the feeling of being and being with.
Tired of endless pervading thoughts that continue to ravage my brain of 'possibilities'.

Is it because I've been infatuated that deeply?
Is it because I haven't felt this way in so long?
Is it because I have such a strong feeling about this one person?
Or perhaps it's all 3...?

The impact so far doesn't seem well off anymore...

I think I've set myself once again...
In the friend zone.

Time and time again, it always comes back to this song.
Thank you Adrian Hood for an amazing piece of art.



Wishful thinking, huh...